Tag Archives: victimization

DEAR DIARY…

For many years in my life I wrote, I was miserable (in every sense of the word) and would pour it out onto the pages of my diaries. All the secrets, pain and frustrations, my entire wounded self crawled into those books; pages upon pages of despair. I never wrote in my happy moments, never recorded the amazing things that happened to me; just my misery. I started writing at 18 and at 40 something I had quite a collection. These books I stored in a wooden chest with a hefty lock and I painstakingly dragged this chest along to wherever I moved. The lock was to make sure that nobody would read them, mainly my children. I didn’t want anybody to see my pain and my secrets. It was a veritable recording of my victimization.

I brought the chest to my new country and stored it in the attic. But here something in me finally changed. The act of coming here, of choosing something so huge for myself and having the courage to listen to that inner voice telling me to go changed everything. I let the victimized self go, she had no more place in my life and I now chose power. When the first spring in my new house came, I opened that wooden chest for the first time in years, removed all the diaries and built a bonfire in the garden. All those books were burned. I didn’t open any of them, didn’t read one single word. I spent the day in the garden, sick as a dog, burning them books to cinders. In the evening I took a shower, went to bed and slept off my fever.

The next morning as I woke up I felt space; it was as if I was lying under a clear blue sky. The familiar, poisonous weight of all that misery was gone and I felt free, clear and ready to get on with my life. That bonfire cleansed me; a lifetime of despair literally vanished into thin air, the weight of it finally off my shoulders and for the first time I felt empowered. So if you are hanging on to old wounds, throw them on the fire and let them go. You are what you hold on to and you are the only one with the power to change that.

I still write, I will always write. Now I write about learning and teachings I receive. I write about the miracles that happen to me and I share what I write in teachings and through this blog.

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Stress management in 6 minutes

I was asked to do a short presentation on the topic of stress-management…In 6 minutes! I had a good laugh at this, thinking they were joking, they weren’t. As I have always had a weak spot for challenges, I of course agreed. Then I got nervous. The whole area of stress is huge and I am very good at it, but how to pick out a 6 min package that would make sense? Finally I settled on personal responsibility. That we are actually all responsible for our choices and how to handle them. This was a business-arena so I had to address both sides of the story; bosses (companies) as well as employees. Here it is:

As a boss you need to be very clear what you expect from your employe, and make sure that he knows exactly what his duties are and what is expected from him. The employe, in turn, must fill his duties. Most people have looked for their jobs, asked for them, so they should be prepared to fill the shoes. If you choose a high-performance job you must be aware of the fact that it probably will eat most of your time and the monetary gains will reflect this. To be able to cope with the burdens of such a position you need to be highly organized and disciplined or you will succumb to all kinds of stress-related trouble. Take for example a professional foot-ball player; he is payed a fortune but his life will be a life of discipline or he’s out.

If, on the other hand, you find that you can’t deal with the pressure or you find that you need more time for leisure, family or hobbies, you need to change your expectations. The monetary gains will be less and you will have to down-size your life and expenditure. It’s all about choices, there is no judgment here.

Constant availability is talked about a lot and it’s rubbish. It’s an impossibility. If your high-performance job demands constant availability, you deal with it and it should be made clear from the beginning. If not, you are creating something that doesn’t exist. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you have to.  So turn of your machines and enjoy some peace and quiet…Choices.

Finally, I consider work-time being just that – worktime. If I know I have a heavy schedule, I go to bed early, prepare my stuff the day before, eat properly and maybe I pop some vitamins 🙂 I don’t crash during my lunch-break.

Sometimes life throws us unexpected things that need to be dealt with, that’s just life and we deal with it as it comes along. But basic line is: Do your stuff, pay attention and get on with it. More often than not I find people have all kinds of excuses why not to change their lives and the more I’ve heard the more I am convinced that it is a question of laziness and/or victimization ideas.

STRESS & PRIDE

One thing I have noticed time and time again is that many people seem to be very proud of their stress. They are forever listing all the things they have to do, and if you do not praise them they get upset. They are the people who always do more than anybody else. If you say you worked 16 hours in a row, they worked 24. Then there are the people who are forever complaining about their stress; how hard their lives are, how bad they feel and how nobody understands.

What I am hearing in these two groups is the same: Victimization. Stress is nothing to be proud of, it is a sign that all is not well. Most often it is a sign of not listening to yourself and lack of self-respect, no matter if you are boasting or crying about your stress. Both these groups are very difficult to deal with, because they will not accept change. When I make such people list their daily activities, much of what they do is pure rubbish or bad organization and when I point this out, they get upset and I become a “bad guy”. There are forever excuses to why change is not possible, even for such mundane things as changing curtains 3 times a year.

To some people this is part of their “make-up” or personality. It is who they need to be to feel important, to be seen. Victimization functions very well in our society which might be one of the reasons people so easily fall into this trap. (Hand on heart: We have all been there) There are always solutions to any dilemma but we carry the responsibility for our well-being. No matter what kind of person you are, stress will always kick you in the face at one point if you don’t make changes. Some people that I have worked with, become so upset with me that they walk away, only to be back at a later date when they are truly falling apart – usually by disease or unbearable pain. Each time it saddens me that people will allow things to go so far when the problem was quite easily rectified to begin with.

I repeatedly see this phrase in job-ads: “Needs to be stress-resilient”. What is this? Nobody is stress-resilient; some individuals can handle a lot for a long time before they break…but usually they break so much harder. What the job-ads should say is: “Needs to be self-aware”.

I work with health, not disease. My job is to keep my clients healthy and balanced. More often than not people come to me as the “last resort” when nothing else has functioned. From this very low point in their lives it is a long haul to get back to balance. I should be the “first resort”, before things get bad. In China doctors are “judged” by their ability to keep patients healthy and in balance. Maybe a concept that we, in the Western world, should adopt?