Tag Archives: control

We are responsible for our reactions

I read a story somewhere that goes something like this:

A woman steps on the bus to go to work in the morning and the bus driver is very rude to her. Her good mood plummets, making her upset and angry. As she gets to work, her mood infects those around her, creating a bad vibe in the office. Who’s fault is it? The bus driver or the woman’s?”

It is, of course, nobody’s fault. Fault is always an excuse for not taking responsibility. The bus driver was in a bad mood for whatever reason, that is his responsibility. The woman could have chosen to report him, ignore him or get angry. She chose to get angry and she chose to spread it on to her colleagues – her responsibility. If her colleagues react badly, that’s their responsibility.

We are all responsible, not only for our actions but also for our re-actions. We can always choose what we wish to have triggered in us. Our reactions are not put there by whatever/whoever triggered it, they are ours, that which we carry within. Nobody puts anything into us, or make us feel a certain way, we do.

There is no way of controlling that which is around us, none whatsoever. But, we can control how we react to it. By being centered in ourselves and keeping our balance within, we are so much more able to deal with what goes on around us. This is the only kind of control that is guaranteed.

Everybody can do or say or act in any way they like, but we don’t have to take it. If somebody is being nasty to me I walk away. I have no right to tell them they are “not allowed” and they have no right to demand that I take their nastiness. By unplugging from the person, I unplug from the bad situation and I can walk away without allowing it to destroy my day. My choice is to not allow myself to be triggered. Big lesson, not always so easy but oh so liberating!

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Robert Fisk: The crimewave that shames the world – Robert Fisk, Commentators – The Independent

Robert Fisk: The crimewave that shames the world – Robert Fisk, Commentators – The Independent.

This article is very long, and I read it all. The killing of women for “honor” is something we know about, it happens all over the world – even in the well-to-do western world. In the article crimes against women are listed; they are all to do with sexuality (even imagined) and freedom of choice. I ponder over this relentless need to control women – what is it really about; power? control? fear? Probably all of them.

Many years ago I met an African man who told me about his tribe; the children all carried their names from their mothers (… son of …) because, as he said, the mother is the only real guarantee to where you come from. There are also other tribes in Africa who condone honor-killings and female circumcision – where lies the difference between, sometimes, neighbouring tribes and why?

Female circumcision is another human rights crime. Again, what is it really about? And most of all; where does this blood-lust come from? This has nothing to do with religion, that is only an excuse.

FEAR

Fear is the most effective way of control. Fear is one of the strongest emotional drives within every individual; Fear of dying, fear of failure, fear of being shunned, fear, fear, fear.

One of the biggest fears in society is about money and economy; to not have enough. Upon this fear one of the biggest institutions in society is built; the banking-system, the great ruler of wealth. But look what happened; the banking-system crashed and actually not that much changed for most people. They still go to work, collect their pay-check, pay their bills… The monster was slayed, and the expected crisis to every last person didn’t materialize. And now, a couple of years later, there is already talk about a rising of the economical system…this crash was apparently quite easy to “heal”.

So what happens when we are ruled by fear: We stop taking chances, stop dreaming, stop changing, stop advancing. We stay in our place and hope that nothing bad will happen to us. We are afraid to lose our belongings, status and security and we are totally prepared to close down our creative inner sources to stay in the illusion of safety. Fear breeds jealousy; towards the people who have more, or the ones that follow their dreams and, most of all, towards those who keep their freedom and joy.

So let’s strip away fear; its like the onion, layer upon layer of excuses, programming and ideas: Start with the obvious fear and question yourself through the layers: For each question there is an answer that needs to be questioned, until you reach the very core where release will be your prize. You will learn so much about yourself and you will start seeing possibilities like never before. You can do anything you like, usually the only thing stopping you is – fear. So go for it; start questioning yourself.

FEARLESS:

STRESS part 3

fire out of controlExisting in stress-mode is to loose sight of yourself, over time it is like a fire out of control. We are adaptive and that is, in a way, our worst enemy. People can go through complete personality changes while in the duration of stress, and even though other people tell them so, they have no way of seeing it themselves. Under stress we get snappy, moody, scatter-brained and sometimes even more hyper – trying to press more and more into the days. We spin out of control and we don’t even have a clue. I have met people who told me they hardly had any stress – only moments before they hit the wall and went on a 3-year sick-leave, stress makes people unreliable.
Denial is also part of the problem; a lot of people consider it a weakness to experience stress, they need to show that they can keep everything together,  no matter what. This is the first idea that has to go; strength is to realize that there is a problem, only then can something be changed. Stressed people are unreliable
The first thing you need to do is to recognize and isolate the stressors, and there are many ways to do this. After that you need to pin-point how stress affects you; please see the list in the last blog-entry. Try to keep sight of your “normal balance-level”
With this assessment, you can start making small changes that will help you deal with the stress. If you are under moderate stress, you can do this yourself – maybe with the help of a mentor, coach or therapist. If the stress-levels are higher and you feel really swamped, you might definately need an experienced stress-therapist/coach.

to be continued…