When I was a child, or even a young woman, everything took time. Television was channel 1 and, great luxury, channel 2! Phoning was expensive and kept to a minimum. We wrote letters which traveled for days and responses were not expected to be fast. As a child, if you were separated from a friend for too long of time or distance, you were lost to each other.
Having pen-pals in other countries was a huge thing and I used to read the ads in kiddie-magazines. Traveling took time; when we moved to Sweden from Japan the travel took 36 hours. Did you know there used to be bunk-beds on the long flight planes back in the days when they were still propeller-driven? That’s luxury!
Since I started writing this blog in June 2009 I have readers in 189 countries (according to the US there are 195 countries in the world). Do you realize how impossible even the idea of this would have been when I was 5, 15, 20, 30 years old…
Seeing as it´s possible to reach the whole world from my writing place, wherever it is, I am aiming for at least one reader in every country in the world. That would be seriously cool,
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
When I move around you, you will move as well. Often you will not even notice it. I am moving you – physically, with my body – without touching you. Maybe chit-chatting about the weather, a glass of champagne in my hand…
Or you will move me.
I have a horse in my life, a magic horse. Actually he is a small pony, but to me he is a teacher. When we hang out together I learn how to use my body to move him, make him do what I want. If I do it right, he answers. If he doesn’t answer, I am doing it wrong…simple as that. He taught me how to dance, move, make my space. You never know where you find your best teachers…
The aura consists of energetic layers, a field of subtle, luminous radiation surrounding a person or object. Some people consciously see or sense auric energy. Most children have a strong sense for this. The aura is not consistent, it can grow larger or smaller depending on situations and feelings. A blind lady I met when I was a child, told me she “felt” colors; she was a textile-artist and worked with wool – her work was amazing!
Auras are forever interacting and communicating; this is how we pick up subtle information about our surroundings, such as people we meet. Did you ever stop and think about how you perceive other people? Why do you feel good with some and bad with others? The same goes for places; auras communicate.
Some tips on how you – unknowingly – experience your aura:
- When you are in a crowded place other people are actually “in your space” (aura) and you feel cramped. Usually you feel “dirty” and want to take a shower when you come home – even though you showered before you went out. This feeling of “dirt” shows up as a foggy gray in the aura and needs to be “washed out”. A shower helps to clear the energy.
- If you are stressed, the aura is clinging close to your body, giving a feeling of pressure. Go out into nature and you feel how the “pressured” feeling lifts and you have lots of space. You might even feel yourself “soaring”. Usually this can be felt around the head.
- Next time you meet somebody new; what are your first impressions? Do you feel comfortable around them or not? How do you feel this? Some people make you feel as if they are embracing you – from across the room. Others will make you shy away in discomfort.
- When you come into a space that is supposed to be empty and it’s not; you always sense that somebody is there. How?
- When people come close to you, when do you start feeling invaded, at what distance? Does it differ with different people?
Look at these expressions we use in daily life:
- “He’s larger than life”. About a person who seems to fill a room, even if they are tiny.
- “Embrace the situation”. You can’t physically hug a situation…
- “I felt he saw through me” or “I can read you like an open book”. No, we don’t have x-ray vision.
- “You are invading my space”. From yards away.
All of these things, we know. We call it intuition or the sixth sense. Actually it is a very basic communication that existed way before other communication. I will leave you with a thought:
Science states that the Neanderthal-people had undeveloped speech-organs and research is done to discern what kind of sounds they were able to make. (http://www.handtomouth.ucl.ac.uk/project4/) It is understood that they had a very developed sign-language. They were mostly meat-eaters and would hunt such large animals as the mammoth. To do this, a large group would have to work together over an area so large that they probably couldn’t see each-other. Add to that the fact that any loud sounds would scare off the intended prey…how did they communicate? Just an interesting thought…
Just wanted to post this little clip, since it ties in so well with the communication I have been writing about. Listen to what the man says about relationships. We people are not unlike these dogs and bears. Gives us something to think about, doesn’t it? So what is communication? Intention, of course.
He also shows the bears to keep their distance, and in this way there is no problem. Mutual respect.
This is a follow-up to non-violent communication. In all communication intention is always the key. Intention can help to keep you away from anger and other emotional outbursts. What do you want to say? What is your need? Intention will make you much clearer both for yourself and the person you are speaking to.
Here is an actual conversation example; A young couple, newly in love are talking and it turns into a fight: (I use it because it was so short and fast – and so obvious)
He: I am really bothered by the fact that you have your old boyfriends on Facebook. (I am so afraid to lose you, please reassure me.)
She: I have already taken them away, what’s your problem? (What kind of reassurance do you need?)
He: It’s just that you didn’t do it at once, and one guy is still on there! (I don’t know. I just want to know that I am important to you.)
She: Well, what about your ex? Then you should take her off as well! (I need reassurance too.)
He: Her? But that’s not the same thing! We talked about her! (I didn’t realize that.)
She: Ooohh, why are you doing this? It’s the same for me you know…why are we even fighting? Why can you just not listen to what I am saying! (We seem to be having a communication problem.)
A little more of the same, and they sit in unhappy, angry and disappointed silence. After a while they try again and the conversation is more or less exactly the same.
What they are really doing is expressing needs. But when they speak to each-other it comes out as attack and blame, turning the conversation into a negative place. Instead of listening to and respecting each-other, this young couple’s insecurities make them demanding in a very personal arena (who you stay friends with). Their intention was basically to create reassurance, but since intention was not clear from the beginning, the conversation grew into fear/insecurity and finally hostility .
How do you communicate? Do you also get into trivial fights over nothing? We have all been there!
I have spent the last week looking at communication; what and how we communicate. I have spent time with a very wise friend and together we have explored what communication really is about.
How do we speak to each-other? Especially when there is anger, disappointment or resentment? By projecting our negative feelings on to the other person, we make them responsible for what we feel and turn ourselves into victims.
This type of communication is usually the biggest problem between couples that come to me for talks. They do not know how to speak with each-other or how to listen to each-other. Each is wrapped up in their own coat of disappointment, anger and negativity, and this is where they fall back each time there is an argument. This kind of communication creates a negative downward spiral that leads to more accusation and grief, feeding itself in every turn, making it impossible to find a solution.
We own our feelings, we need to own our feelings, and we must constantly be aware of this. When there are negative feelings about something it is because we experience an unfulfilled need. When listening to somebody; listen to the need behind the words. We are responsible only for our own feelings and we need to connect to our inner selves to understand why we feel the way we do. Most often it is easier to blame somebody else. The same goes for listening; instead of taking responsibility for another’s feelings, we need to step back, liberate ourselves from this responsibility and listen to the need behind the words. The moment we do this, non-violent communication is activated; we start looking for solutions and we step away from blame, criticism and attack.
Each and every person has a right to feel whatever they are feeling and nobody has the right to say that this is wrong or unacceptable. We choose how to react:
“What others do may be a stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.”
– Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.,
There is plenty of information on: http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com
On YouTube you can find short films where Marshall B. Rosenberg speaks about nonviolent communication.