This has been a long quiet summer of contemplation, mentoring young adults, learning and letting go. The summer just went on and on forever but yesterday I felt the first real breath of autumn and I know it is here to stay. Today the last young ones left me and I am finally alone with time to gather, synthesize and activate the input from summer’s activities (and lack thereof 🙂 ).
At the time I paused in my writing my head went into simple chaos and I could find no pattern, there was nothing in there but scattered pictures, words, ideas and feelings. I could do nothing about it and I felt myself losing control. That was the first learning, the illusion that I had control. Then everything I had been doing or planning just exploded into little fragments and I realized that I could only let go and hope for the best. Sort of freaky. I was alone for some time which I spent meditating and waiting while sitting on my terrace or working in the garden. The village went silent as people went away for the holidays and then the young ones started coming, young random people who came looking for me asking me to teach them. At first I was weary; teach what? and why? But I let them stay. Then, as I started learning, I could teach them what they needed, what they came looking for. They became my teachers and little by little the chaos in me started forming into patterns.
All summer I have been receiving words, just simple words, and I write them down in a book, giving each word a page. Little by little these pages get filled with clues to the meaning of the words, what all those chaotic pieces in my head mean. I am still in “reception-mode” but I feel it is coming to an end and it will shortly be time to take action. I am still not sure how that will look, getting only one clue at a time 🙂 but it is exciting.
I spent much time watching nature around me; a little miniature universe of teachers. Watching nature takes time and there are great teachings to be had.
This summer was unusual, it was amazing (and scary) to be thrown into chaos and having no control over anything at all. I realize this is the only place in which we can truly receive, because all the “chatter” and what we think we know sort of disappears. The teachings I have received astound me and I am filled with a kind of exaltation. But now I want to work.