body & mind balance

I read somewhere; “I don’t stop smoking ’cause I am not a quitter”. I found that really funny and slightly applicable to myself. How many times did I quit? Only to find myself in a state of desperation, sneaking around in the bushes with my illicit smoking, pretending and lying to those closest and dearest to me – and this is when I was well past youth. How embarassing isn’t that!

At one point the smoking really started to make itself known in negative ways; my voice slowly changed and I noticed I was loosing my singing-voice, sometimes my teeth would hurt when I had smoke in my mouth, every morning I woke up with my hands numb from poor circulation…and other  minor stuff. I didn’t tell anybody of this, because then I would be forced to do something about it – quit smoking, and I wasn’t prepared to do that right yet. But I knew that I had to – soon. I wanted so much to not smoke, still I had to light that cigarette even though I sometimes almost cried from the frustration of it -but quit? No.

Then I met a man who never smoked, when we were together I never smoked, even for days on end and it was okay. I could do that. But the first thing I did upon parting was to reach for my cigarettes. One day I knew I would be able to quit, but not when. I started changing my way of thinking, re-programming my Self; Instead of beating myself up about smoking I embraced myself as a smoker – forgiving and accepting myself and letting go of the shame, frustration and feeling of weakness. I enjoyed every cigarette to the maximum while I started to visualize myself as a non-smoker. I changed certain habits and made myself aware of my smoking-patterns; both physical and emotional. At the same time came the smoke-ban in restaurants and most other public places which helped a lot. I will not go outside in the cold to smoke whilst having dinner in a restaurant…I am much too proud.

This conscious re-programming went on for about half a year. With time I became that new individual, the one in control. I never told anybody that I would quit, because that creates an enormous pressure which is hard to handle. That pressure alone will make anybody reach for the smokes, trust me. Stress = smoking BIG TIME. Besides which, do we really want to be constantly hassled by other people? They will leave you alone as a smoker but hassle your brain out when you are quitting and they are supposed to be supportive. No, quitting smoking is a private thing. It is between you and your Self.

One Sunday evening I realized I had only two cigarettes left. I could smoke one and save one for next morning. While I was – very consciously – planning this I felt: “this is it, now I quit”. I smoked them both and knew that tomorrow was the first day. I have done this before, so sure of myself in the evening, only to wake up in desperation the next morning, rushing for the nearest smoke, hating myself for my weakness. But this Monday morning I woke up knowing with all of my Self that it was finally over; after 35 years of smoking, I would never smoke again. I was happy and calm.

So far, so good. Then comes all the rest – the results and imbalances of many years of smoking. The suffering and hardships of getting back in balance and health. This will be my next post.

to be continued