I have spent the last week looking at communication; what and how we communicate. I have spent time with a very wise friend and together we have explored what communication really is about.
How do we speak to each-other? Especially when there is anger, disappointment or resentment? By projecting our negative feelings on to the other person, we make them responsible for what we feel and turn ourselves into victims.
This type of communication is usually the biggest problem between couples that come to me for talks. They do not know how to speak with each-other or how to listen to each-other. Each is wrapped up in their own coat of disappointment, anger and negativity, and this is where they fall back each time there is an argument. This kind of communication creates a negative downward spiral that leads to more accusation and grief, feeding itself in every turn, making it impossible to find a solution.
We own our feelings, we need to own our feelings, and we must constantly be aware of this. When there are negative feelings about something it is because we experience an unfulfilled need. When listening to somebody; listen to the need behind the words. We are responsible only for our own feelings and we need to connect to our inner selves to understand why we feel the way we do. Most often it is easier to blame somebody else. The same goes for listening; instead of taking responsibility for another’s feelings, we need to step back, liberate ourselves from this responsibility and listen to the need behind the words. The moment we do this, non-violent communication is activated; we start looking for solutions and we step away from blame, criticism and attack.
Each and every person has a right to feel whatever they are feeling and nobody has the right to say that this is wrong or unacceptable. We choose how to react:
“What others do may be a stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.”
I searched long and hard to find a simple phone that does only calls and messages. I have found one. It does other things too – barely – but I don’t bother about that. It was the cheapest phone on the market and they will probably not exist for very long, so I better stack up I love my paper-agenda (that fits in all bags) with its post-it-stickers and messy, lived in look. I hate it when somebody’s phone takes precedence in a talk/meeting with me…so rude! And usually it’s not even important. I hate it when people expect me to be constantly available – even on the loo? And I hate it when vile ring-signals disturb the peace at a nice restaurant, during a movie or whatever.
I say; start smelling the flowers, lie on the grass and watch the trees.
That said, I still experience a slight quickening of my heartbeat when I realize that I have forgotten my phone – stress. Even if it is only to go to the train-station in the next village, 5 km away, to pick up someone. I think: “What if something happens? Without my phone I am stranded – AAArrrghhh!” This is so ridiculous that I blush.
I have hitch-hiked alone through Europe, brought up 4 children, lived an isolated life in the forest and never did I have a phone. How on earth did I survive? I think we forget about the time when mobile phones didn’t exist and how easily we lived our lives anyway. You made a date with someone and kept it. Now you make a date with someone and if something happens along the way, you just call and everything is okay…and somehow it is as if more things tend to happen “on the way” since the mobile-phones, and we have become nonchalant.
Don’t get me wrong, I am all for the mobile phone. It massively simplifies life…I just don’t like the space they are taking in people’s lives and I don’t like that I sometimes feel stressed by the expected availability of my person. So I make rules; there are times when I am just not available; when I give treatments, when I speak with a friend, at a restaurant, movie, concert. On the loo and when in bed – whatever I happen to be doing there. I want to be the kind of person that gives 100% attention to the person in front of me. And if I feel that I can’t do that – well, then I stay on my own. And when I do answer my phone, I am available and I will give the person the attention they deserve.
I am working with a young woman who suffers from an invisible, high-level stress. Her stress comes from inside and even though she’s plenty busy, this is not the source of her problems. The first signs were head-aches that over time became both more frequent and painful. Then she became aggressive and worried. After 4 months she was seriously ill with constant migraine, nausea, constipation, mood-swings and night-mares. One day she fainted in the street and was brought to the hospital where she underwent all the tests in the book: Brain-scan, neurology-tests, blood-analysis – the works. Nothing could be found. The doctors diagnosed migraine and gave her different kinds of medication, constantly increasing the strength but nothing helped, the girl was seriously ill.
At this point enter the complementary forces:
After talks with her it is obvious that she has an enormous need of controlling her world, everything must be perfect – which is also mirrored in her appearance and surroundings. She helps her friends with everything she can and is always available when needed. The feeling I get is that her head is stuck in a labyrinth box. There is such tremendous mental pressure that it has turned into pain, she can find no clarity and when she tries to figure things out she gets confused. She is angry and negative towards her state and scared that it will not go away.
Going over her diet and taking out all stimulants; sugar, tea, alcohol.
Teaching her about mind-mapping (see an earlier post) and how to find clarity. At this point she gets angry and can not find any “clues” in her mind-mapping. I take her through a mind-game and she relaxes as an “inner door” opens. When she feels the results, she is pleased.
Brain-movies: In a guided meditation I take her to a nice place which is her own and where she feels happy. This place is where she will go to heal. I make sure she remembers the path to this sacred place and tell her to do this every night until falling asleep there.
Breathing exercises and how to control the mood-swings by recognizing signals.
physiotherapy for the tension in head, back and stomach – 3 sessions in 2 weeks.
Full-body massage once a week and home-massage of face and neck twice a day with essential oils.
A small roll-on phial with pure essential oils to be carried in hand-bag and used at first sign of headaches; massage temples and nape of neck.
Time is not always the same, time is not linear: When you are totally stressed out, time shrinks and no matter how you run, you never catch up. When you are relaxed, on the other hand, time stretches and no matter how leisurely you move, you are always ahead. This is actually true, and we have all experienced that. Most of the time that we lose is in the “cracks” of our schedules, between the actions; going places or by “saving” time. Read Michael Endes book “Momo” – in it the “time-savers” are hassling everybody to save time in their bank, their idea catches on and before you know it nobody is playing, singing, making love or just hanging out, because they are saving this time for the future…
If you seem to always run out of time, always be a bit late, never have time to finish tasks or just plain no time for yourself….you are seriously suffering from terrible time-management skills because there is always time to be had.
Scheduling, prioritizing and goal-setting are the three most important factors:
Scheduling: Each evening, go over the day and look at how you could improve the timing. Go over the next day and pencil it into your agenda. Once a week go over your whole week in the same way. Try pinpointing where you lost your time; interruptions? Small crisis? A child needing a ride? Illness? Fatigue? Traffic? and look at how you can solve these things. “Surprise” happenings can be very disruptive ifyou have not allowed for such happenings in your planning. Everything goes into your schedule, even your private time, because if you don’t put it in there, it’s not going to happen! And be realistic about timing.
Prioritizing: When you schedule, you also need to prioritize; what is most important? Each task that hits your life needs to be prioritized and managed, if not you’ll end up losing time on inconsequential tasks that led nowhere. Prioritizing yourself might have the highest importance sometimes. You are only as good as you can be; exhausted, ill and depressed you are of no use to anybody.
Goal-setting: You really need to know where you are going before you can plan your strategy: prioritization depends on your goal; if your goal is to sell your house , then cleaning it and making it look nice is your priority. If your goal is to master a new skill, then this is priority, if you have a project at work that has a short dead-line, this is your priority. If you are ill, getting well is priority. You always have to look at this angle or you will probably ending up doing things last-minute with less than good results.
This is where you start: Get a notebook that is small enough to carry around. In it you record every time you do something during the day, as in a schedule; time, action and how long it took. EVERYTHING! Do this for 2 weeks, then go over the notes and look at where you lose time; I bet it comes from bad organizing: Did you get gas on the way when you went shopping? Did you get all your shopping done in one go, or have you been running to the store to top up? Did you get up on time or did you snooze that extra little bit? Did you organize your bag in the evening or leave it til morning?….On and on. You will be flabbergasted at how much time you are throwing away on nothing.
Next step: Organize realistically and schedule: The ride to work takes 35 minutes, not 30. If you are driving; add another 10 min. for unforeseen happenings; if you get there early you have 10 extra minutes for a coffee or a head-start on your work. If you have a flat tire, you do have some extra time to handle it without panicking; and when you call in late, you do that ahead of time – buys you plenty of good-will points.
Don’t ever be late: This is incredibly rude, nonchalant and disrespecting. You keep other people waiting (wasting their time) and you don’t look very serious, actually it looks like you have no control over your schedule – which is true. Be on time, or even a bit early; catch up on calls, read a paper…go over notes for the meeting…
Getting the picture? If you have questions, ideas, tips or want to know more; send me a comment.
I don’t know where the picture comes from, but I used it anyways since it is heartbreaking in its stark reality.
Pentagon tries aroma therapy to ease combat stress
Sat May 8, 2010 8:27pm EDT
FORT RILEY Kansas, May 8 (Reuters) – The U.S. military is experimenting with aroma therapy, acupuncture and other unorthodox methods to treat soldiers traumatized by combat experiences, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said on Saturday.
He said the experiments showed promise.
Gates touted possible treatments for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) during a meeting with the wives of servicemen at Fort Riley, Kansas, when one woman asked him to explain why chiropractic and acupuncture therapies were not covered under her military health care plan.
“We have an experimental unit … treating soldiers with PTS (post-traumatic stress) and using a number of unorthodox approaches, including aroma therapy, acupuncture, things like that, that really are getting some serious results, and so maybe we can throw that into the hopper as well,” Gates said.
The Pentagon has seen a sharp increase in the number of soldiers suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder during and after long deployments in Iraq and Afghanistan.
The disorder can cause flashbacks, edginess and emotional numbness. The risk depends on the type of traumatic events a person is exposed to.
A report in the New England Journal of Medicine in January found that U.S. combat soldiers in Iraq who received a shot of the painkiller morphine within an hour of being wounded were less likely to develop the post-traumatic stress disorder. (Reporting by Adam Entous; editing by Todd Eastham)
During the end of the war in Yugoslavia, groups of aromatherapists flew into the area to assist with shock and trauma relief with the help of essential oils and aromatherapy. If any of you readers have any first-hand experience of trauma-work with aromatherapy, please write me.
I have had a client with Multiple Sclerosis. She was diagnosed in her late teens, 20 years ago, so this has been a part of her life most of her life. She was surprisingly mobile considering how long she had been ill, but as it goes with MS, it comes in waves, each time leaving her a little worse. I can’t heal MS with aromatherapy, but I can help with mobility, mind-set/belief and emotions. She went to a physiotherapist (who sent her to me) for mobility and balance. As with all diseases where constant medication is involved, there was a degree of toxicity in the body and she suffered from poor balance, especially on her left side. She couldn’t raise her arms and her ribcage was pushed forward, making her a bit wobbly. The skin on her face and back was hard and closed, with very bad circulation. Her dietary habits were fine and I suggested she add Omega3 and chlorella.
For the first session I did a full-body massage with the oils of Hyssop (hyssopus officinalis) and Melissa, lemon-balm(melissa officinalis). We talked about belief-systems. She had learned to believe that she will get worse by the year and finally die from her disease. Every time she got a “wave” she expected the worst. I told her that there is no known cure for MS and yes, she will probably get worse. But she does have a life and after so many years she is still doing fine, so why not believe the best? She liked the idea and went home with that and an oil-blend for her skin and emotional state: Lemon grass (cymbopogon citratus) and Rosewood (aniba rosaeodora).
Next session after 2 weeks, I had done some research and used Cistus (cistus labdanum), Bay leaf (laurus nobilis) and Black spruce (picea mariana) for a full-body massage. She loved the blend and brought a bottle home to use on her shoulders, arms and feet. She reported feeling wonderful since the last massage; seeing an improvement in balance and skin.
Next session, 3 weeks later, she was low on arrival. She was in a “wave” and feeling very bad. Her balance had worsened, her mobility was down and she was depressed. I gave her a full-body massage with Clary sage (salvia sclarea), Roman Chamomile (chamameleum nobile)and Geranium (pelargonium graveolens). During the massage I worked on relaxing her stiff joints and suddenly she had full mobility in her arms – for the first time in many years. She was deeply relaxed and felt very good. As she got off the table, her balance was better, she could move her arms over her head and her back was straighter. I gave her stretching exercises to do every day to keep and improve mobility even more.
We talked then of belief again: How she actually didn’t have all the problems she thought; she was more mobile and better balanced than she believed. But all her adult life she has been told that this would happen to her and, being a good girl, she “obeyed”. This again points to the connection body & mind and how it is impossible to separate the two. The lady didn’t get worse after her last “wave”, because at this point she found out that she was stronger than she thought. She still has to fight fear and despair every day, but now she has a belief that she can also have a fulfilling life, and this change in outlook has gained her so much ground in physical healing as well as emotional.
Every cure for disease that exists today came from somewhere. There was a time when these diseases could not be cured, when the belief-system said “you will die”. Today people survive and live with all kinds of diseases that don’t have cures; cancer, aids, hepatitis C… I believe it can be done. I believe you need to be honest about a persons condition and not give false hopes, but show them that miracles (albeit small) happen all the time; point out the miracles, the positive and the results will be better. This is such a vital part of healing, I can’t believe it is overlooked. But maybe that is the job of people like me, who can afford to give the time a client needs. Maybe it is time to integrate us alternative therapists in the medical system.
A perennial shrub up to 3 metres high which grows wild in warm sheltered places on some mountainous Mediterranean islands and in the Middle East. The leaves are lance-shaped with white furry undersides, and the flowers are yellow with purple splashes at the center. The parts used for extraction are leaves and twigs.
Cistus produces 5 products:
Crude gum of Labdanum: Dried leaves and twigs are boilde in water. The gum is skimmed off the surface of the water and dried. This is used as a herbal substitute for ambergris.
Resinoid of Labdanum: The crude gum is mixed with alcohol and filtered.
Oil of Labdanum: Essential oil by steam-distilling the crude gum. This oil is used by aromatherapists. It is also a highly valued raw material for perfumers.
Concrète & Absolute of Labdanum: The dried leaves and twigs are extracted with the help of a solvent. This is widely used in cosmetics, perfumes and soaps as a warm balsamic scent with excellent fixative properties.
Oil of Labdnum: Essential oil by steam-distilling dried and fresh leaves and twigs. This is of little use for either perfumery or aromatherapy.
The oil has been used since the middle ages for infected wounds, skin ulcers, skin and soft tissue disturbances. The gum was used for catarrh and diarrhoea.
The scent is warm, deep, musky, soothing and dry. Yang.
In aromatherapy its used for:
Lymph drainage: When added to a massage oil for a full body massage. Or locally as warm compresses on swollen lymph nodes in the neck.
Menstrual pain: In combination with Marjoram(origanum majorana) as a massage oil or warm compresses over the abdomen.
Skin: Mature, wrinkled skin, rough, scarred and hard skin. Use for healing of wounds and scars; with Lavender (lavandula augustifolia),Imortelle (helichrysum italicum) or Frankincense(boswellia carterii). It might be helpful for eczema, inflamed skin and psoriasis. Remember to use lower doses on sensitive/inflamed skin.
Respiratory: As an inhalant for coughs and bronchitis.
Emotionally: After shock or trauma when the emotional system is cold or empty. Also to sooth and heal past or buried memories. It fills the individual with warmth and strength.
I listen to many young people, and what is becoming more and more evident is this constant, incessant talk of body and weight. I am seriously disturbed by this. Like so many other girls, I grew up with a weight-fixated mother and that left me with disturbed body-notions. I was – of course – always thin, no matter the price. At the time anorexia / bulimia was not spoken about, but many girls had a “light” version of one or the other…remember Twiggy? So this problem is nothing new. What has happened is that it has become a bigger issue than just weight; now it’s about eternal youth. As someone said: “Youth is wasted on the young”; so true, youth is inherently beautiful but we don’t become aware of that until we are past “the prime”, as it were.
When I was in my 20′s it was all about weight, most people were thin and obesity was hardly known – in Europe at least. Over time, almost as a protest, people got fatter – and started showing it with skin-tight clothes. This would NEVER have happened in the 70′s or 80′s. And I like it, it’s giving the finger to the starved, sad “Twiggy-look”, taking back the right to owning your body. But then it got out of proportion and it has become unhealthy. So now girls are either starving or eating themselves to death! What is going on?
Then came the Eternal Youth-thing. We can all become eternally young – well parts of us; plastic surgery has become such a common practice that many people find it completely normal. I know old women who are “eternally young” in this way; they look very scary…wouldn’t want to run into them un-prepared in a dark room….but they probably looked fine to start with? I know old women who look like old women and they are beautiful and stylish, wearing their age as a trophy, refusing to succumb to the shame of age.
There is a new look – the “surgery-look”; The corner of the lips pulled up in a perpetual half-smile, the look of surprise in the lifted eyebrows, the forever perky bosom that will point straight to the sky even when lady is lying on her back. Also; the wrinkled necks, spotted old hands, the slightly skeletal look of the face….Still, it can be oh, so tempting sometimes. I watch myself age in the mirror, the bad fit between me on the inside and me on the outside. But then I look around at all the gorgeous, proud and amazing old women that one finds it so easy to respect, and I know that I want to be one of them. I had youth and beauty for a long time, and I was too stupid to enjoy it fully, but I did enjoy it, and now it is another time. I am a woman, not a girl, and my beauty lies today in who I am, in my pride. And I shine!
(The 2 first pictures in this post come from health-related ads, the next 2 were sent to me and the last one is mine)
I went to Sweden over the weekend to celebrate my daughters graduation. This event is always outdoors, which is fine when (if) the sun is shining – it wasn’t. At least the rain stopped in time. In cold, drizzly and gray weather I have stood outdoors dressed in a pretty summer-dress with only a thin jacket and a scarf – an entire day til late night. To make matters worse I slept by a wide-open window 2 nights in a row and then took the horror-flight (Skavsta-Hahn) home. Of course the week-end was party-time and I didn’t eat/sleep/exercise properly…but I had lots of wine and champagne! Once home my throat felt the way a bull-frog sounds and a cough had started. My head was aching, I had a fever, everything hurt – especially my throat – and I was exhausted.
Beautiful Stockholm…see how cold it was!
Immediate thing to do (should actually have been started already at first sign): Gurgle with Tea tree (melaleuca alternifolia). This oil is amazing on bacteria; you know when you have this disgusting taste in your throat/mouth? That’s bacteria, and if you start tea tree at the first tiny sign, it might not even break out! Then I went to bed and slept 16 hours.
I was so ill I couldn’t do more than the gurgling, and this is the problem with aromatherapy; it takes effort. When you feel horrid, you don’t have the energy to do anything except sleep and if you don’t have anybody to care for you, it’s easier to take an aspirin and hope for the best. Once I had slept I felt a little better; head-ache gone at least. I have a blend of pure essential oils that I use for colds; they can be mixed in oil or cream to be rubbed on chest and neck or used for inhalation. This is as close to simple as you can get with aromatherapy, and, trust me, it is a lot more effective over time than aspirin.
This makes about 5 ml of pure essential oil. Store it cool and dark and it will keep for up to two (2) years. Mix 5-8 drops in 10ml (2 teaspoons) of cold-pressed vegetable oil for a rub. Use pure for inhalation. If you are really weak; stick to the gurgling of tea tree and sniff out of the cold-blend bottle. A blended veg. oil for rubbing will not keep for so long, so you need to make that up when needed.
Yesterday (day 2) I stayed in bed and did the gurgling + inhaling. Coughed a lot. Today my nose is a bit runny and I sneeze. Cough is almost gone, throat-ache as well. Am up and working. Tomorrow I will be back on track. The first days you can apply oils (gurgle, rub, inhale) once an hour until the mounting of symptoms stop (usually after day 1). Then continue with treatment 3-5 times/day until well. Stay warm and sweat a lot, that always help. Do not shower or get cold.
I have an ever increasing love for these flowers. When I was a child my grandmother grew deep-red peonies that used to bloom around midsummer. They were always used to crown the midsummer-pole – The Queen of Midsummer.
There exists about 25-40 varieties. They are heavenly scented with huge flowers ranging from white and yellow over many pink hues to deep red. The leaves are dark green, pointed with clear tracings of nerves. There exists about 25-40 varieties and they are native to Asia, Europe and north America. They are perennial and reach a height of about 1m, but there are some that become small trees, reaching a height of about 3 m.
Peony is named for the mythical Greek figure Paeon, who was said to be a student of Aesculapius, the great physician. Paeon used the peony plant to heal a wound for the god Pluto. This earned Aesculapius’s jealous wrath, but Pluto saved Paeon from death by turning him into a peony plant.
In China the roots (and sometimes bark of the peony tree) of peonies have a long history of medicinal use, often in combination with licorice root, for cramps, spasms, fever. In TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) peonies have often been used for women’s health problems. For more in-depth information on peonie’s use in alternative medicine look here.
The Chinese name for the peony is sho yu. This means “most beautiful.”
The peony is the traditional flower symbol of China.
In Europe the peony has been called “The rose without thorns”.
The history of the peony in China and Japan spans more than 4 000 years.
In Asia the peony is a symbol of wealth, good fortune and prosperity.
The peony is an omen of good fortune and a happy marriage.
The peony is the state flower of Indiana USA since 1957.
Mischievous nymphs were said to hide in the petals of the Peony thus causing this magnificent flower to be given the meaning of Shame or Bashfulness in the Language of Flowers. (So if you find me hiding in the petals of a Peony, just pretend you didn’t notice)
I love my paper-agenda (that fits in all bags) with its post-it-stickers and messy, lived in look. I hate it when somebody’s phone takes precedence in a talk/meeting with me…so rude! And usually it’s not even important. I hate it when people expect me to be constantly available – even on the loo? And I hate it when vile ring-signals disturb the peace at a nice restaurant, during a movie or whatever.
